January 15, 2013 by A Girl Like Me

I have learned something about myself over the last few months.  I fear God.  Not in the “awe fearing reverent” type.. but in the ” I may not like what you do with my life” type.  God is huge right?  And He has the power to do whatever He wills.  That can be comforting and yet terrifying depending on how you look at it.  There is a part of me that has become terrified.

This revelation was brought to a head when I found out in October that I was pregnant.  I was ecstatic.  Mike and I had been trying for a few months and I was relieved and extremely happy when that little white stick had two lines instead of one.  I wanted another baby so badly that my heart ached at just the thought of it.  Have you ever wanted something so much that your thoughts become consumed with it?  You hand it over to God and then you find yourself taking it right back?  And this is when the fear of God set in.  You see, I had lost my first baby.  I was 12 weeks pregnant when my body naturally went into labor to let go of the lifeless body inside me.  It was devastating and painful.  However, through it all, I felt the hand of God upon me.  I felt peace amongst the chaos that was taking place inside of me.  I felt Him near me and somehow knew everything was going to be ok.  So here I was pregnant with my third child and panic set in.  God could take this baby too.  God could take the very thing that I wanted so badly away from me.  I began to pray.  I began to beg.  I began to claim His word and believe His promises.

So what happens when you do everything right and yet God still chooses to break you?  I prayed in faith!  I prayed scripture!  Yet there I was right after Thanksgiving with the joy of the Holidays spreading all around and I was left in a pool of tears.  A second baby lost.  A second child taken Home to be with Jesus.  And another time when my prayers were not answered the way I wanted them to be.  Two miscarriages.  Two children that I will have to wait to meet.  So why am I letting you in to this personal experience?  Because God taught me a few things through this loss… and I believe He wants to teach you them as well.

Number one- God is ALWAYS near even when we may not feel Him.  While in the midst of this second miscarriage I didn’t really feel God.  I didn’t feel His peace.  Scripture wasn’t comforting.  I felt like my prayers were just floating into space and I was all alone.  I couldn’t understand it.  Why would God feel so near in one moment and so distant in another?  Then someone spoke some truth into my fragile heart.  What if God was strengthening my faith?  What If He made Himself so visible and clear the first time I went through this struggle, that He brought me to a place of extreme trust in Him despite my feelings the second time?  As if He was asking, ” Do you still believe that I am near?  Do you still believe that I am holding the broken pieces of your heart just like I did last time?  Can you look back and see when I was faithful to you and do you believe that I will remain faithful to you?”  “I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you!”- Heb. 13:5  ” The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”- Psalm 34:18  So in the times when you just don’t feel Him remember this- He is with you.  Look back at your life and see where He was faithful and remember that He will always be faithful.  He loves you too much to not change you and stretch you in your faith.  Embrace it.

Number two- “God always gives you what you would have asked for if you knew everything that He knows.”- Tim Keller  If we saw the whole picture of this life we live, we would ask God for the very things He has chosen to give us.  Crazy right?  I have countless prayers scribbled on the pages of my journal claiming God’s promises.  Prayers asking in faith to save my baby.  Prayers of hope and trust that God will hear my cry and give me what I want.  But His will was not my will this time.  It could be so easy to just get mad at God and write Him off.  To stop trusting Him, to stop believing that He is good and to say- forget it!  I give up on you God.  I’m done believing you really love me.  I would be lying if I didn’t say that there were moments where I wanted to do that.  But God kept ahold of me even when I wanted to let go.  And His voice came to me in the book of Job- ” Kelly- Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?  Tell me, if you have understanding.  Who determined its measurements- surely you know!  Or who stretched the line upon it?….Or who laid its cornerstone, when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for Joy?… Have you commanded the morning since your days began, and caused the dawn to know its place?”  Who am I to question God?  The stars sing praises to His name and declare His power you guys!!  The days speak to each other and the nights proclaim His awesomeness and might!  Maybe the problems we face are just pointing us to a glimpse of this beautiful power… the same power that chose to save us when we deserved hell and the same power that can remove our fear and give us peace.

This past year I endured a lot of pain and trial.  But what if I had chosen to embrace the will of God instead of merely enduring it?  More joy?  More peace?  More love?
That’s my word this year… EMBRACE.  I choose to embrace whatever it is that God sends my way.  In the times when there is extreme joy and dancing, and in the times where there is hurt and confusion! I embrace because I believe that God is good, and He will give me the very things that will strengthen my faith and bring me to a more humble place where joy and peace reside.  I choose to depend on Him to remove my fear and give me gratitude.  I choose to Embrace His will that it may be mine.  And one day I will embrace my two beautiful children in heaven… and fall into the embrace of the One who loves me the most.

48 thoughts on “Embrace

  1. Edith Elias says:

    Wow!! I’m speechless. I’m going thru a rough time and this is exactly.. what I needed to hear. Thank you for sharing this, you girls been really expiring to me. God bless you and your families. 🙂

  2. Njeri says:

    Really sorry for your loss Kelly &Mike. I prayed for you guys…. May God comfort you and reward your remarkable faith.

  3. Mandy says:

    Kelly, I’m really sorry to hear about your en Mike’s loss! The way you deal with it really shows that you’re a woman of God and that He holds you near to His heart. I’ll pray for you guys!

  4. Tabitha says:

    I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Thank you for being so vulnerable to share with this blog community what God is working in you through it. I know He’s cried every tear with you and is in no way rejoicing in your pain. While I don’t understand why this is the road He’s allowed for you, I do agree whole-heartedly that He is unfailingly good and loving, even as we cope with a broken world and our broken selves. I also needed this encouragement today as I wrestle with a seemingly insurmountable obstacle in my own life. Thank you again for being vulnerable and please know that I am praying for you and your family.

  5. Jaci says:

    Wow. Thank you for being vulnerable and willing to share this pain with us. In a similar situation I was once told “Even when you can’t understand the hand of God, you can always trust the heart of God.” I have been learning to take comfort in that lately, and I hope you might as well. As always, I am praying for you and your family, and wish you all the blessings of God in His will and His timing.

    • lenalou03 says:

      Wow… that is awesome. “Even when you can’t understand the hand of God, you can always trust the heart of God.” I’m going to share that… Thanks!

  6. Hannah says:

    Wow. Thank you for sharing about your struggle and being open. I am so sorry for you & Mike’s loss. I am going through struggles of my own and this really helped. Thanks for this post.

  7. Lisa says:

    Feeling empathy with you as I too have lost a baby through miscarriage, so my deepest sympathy to you and Mike. So grateful you have shared this story with all of us….we were just talking at church on Sunday about what does God teach us when we go through trials (we are in 2 Corinthians) and one lady who lost her husband at 34 with 4 young children said that the whole time she prayed God, please teach me what you want me to learn through all of this. How amazing that we have a God who loves us so intimately, and desires so much for us to bring all of our pain and struggles to Him, and how He uses the comfort we receive from Him to help others.

  8. Annika says:

    Thank you so much. It’s what im going through, exactly what I needed to hear. You helped me think about my pain differently. I’m so sorry for yours. But you’re just a strong, amazing woman, and thank you for what you have done!

  9. lenalou03 says:

    Thank you SO much for sharing your heart and sharing us what it means to take trials, fears, and discouragement head on… even if it seems impossible. And how awesome is it that God is so faithful through it all! One of my friends is going through a hard time as she just discovered she has a form of Leukemia. I hope this blog can give her some hope and encouragement! I know it’s already touched my life. *WHEW* What a post. Thank you again!!

  10. Funny you should mention embracing God’s will and not just enduring it, because that is something John Piper talked about at Passion. 🙂
    Thank you for sharing this with us. I can relate to feeling God one day and not feeling Him the next. I wish you were one of my family members.

  11. Monica says:

    Kelly thank you so much for being brave enough to open up to all of us.That must have been heart breaking for you. You are an amazing woman of god 🙂 I’m going to pray for you. God bless.

  12. Jane says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your personal experiences to encourage girls like me. I cannot tell you how much I needed to read this. I have been praying and waiting to hear back from God for a few months now, but I haven’t been getting a response. As you said, I felt like my prayers were just floating into space. Today, I finally got a response. He used your words to speak to me. Thank you for being willing to allow God to use you to help others.

  13. jesssing4him says:

    When I saw Mike post about you writing this last week, I prepared myself for tears… I am glad that I did. Thank you so much Kelly for, just like your husband, writing your heart and expressing it. It is such a special post, and it spoke straight to my heart, in a way that I can’t even explain. Thank you for being you! Love you Kelly!
    PS: Please keep an eye on my friends, (Cadence/donny, britt, carrie, jeffery, and andrew) while they’re in Nashville 😉 they haven’t even left yet, but i miss them already! Haha. ❤

  14. Janette Peggins says:

    I kinda know someone who had lost their baby and it amazes me that like her you choose to stay with God. Even when it’s hard and you feel like walking away. I’ve had hard times where I wanted to run from God. It’s a struggle but I believe with help from God you can make it through this hard time. Thanks for sharing and praying for you and Mike.

  15. Emily says:

    This is almost the realest I believe this blog has gone. I was a fan before, but this took it to a whole new level. Realizing God’s affection for us in the hardest times of our lives is something so very difficult to do. Thanks for sharing.

  16. Jen says:

    Thanks for sharing with us Kelly. God is so good! The truth is I really don’t know how to respond because I’m a wreck. Gonna print this & read again later so I remember the lessons. Praying for ya’ll.

  17. Charissa J. says:

    All I can say is …Wow.
    You don’t know how much God was speaking to me through your words. I have also had a very trying and painful year and have struggled with where was God through all of it. No, it was not as painful as losing a baby and I can’t evevn pretend to know how that feels. I am so sorry for your loss.
    I have been exactly where you were when you didn’t feel God and I felt totally abandoned and alone. It was truly the hardest time in my life but I know if it wasnt for God I wouldn’t be here. I brought me to the lowes

  18. Emily says:

    I wish I had words adequate enough to tell you how much this post means to me. Trying to trust in a God who I cannot feel and trying to believe He is going to use it all for good. Wow. If my life’s struggle was summed up in a sentence that would be it. While it is not the same kind of loss, I experienced a lot of loss this year with those I was close to. Experiencing a lot of loss so close together has made me want to cling to those who are still here, and fearful of death (even though I know in my head Jesus has that part conquered). The first time, there was comfort from Him. There was a sense of peace. But then with each one that followed He felt further and further away. This part…

    “What if God was strengthening my faith? What If He made Himself so visible and clear the first time I went through this struggle, that He brought me to a place of extreme trust in Him despite my feelings the second time? As if He was asking, ” Do you still believe that I am near? Do you still believe that I am holding the broken pieces of your heart just like I did last time? Can you look back and see when I was faithful to you and do you believe that I will remain faithful to you?”

    …spoke volumes to me. I believe you hit the nail on the head with what God has been teaching me, and I didn’t get that until right now. So, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WRITING THIS!!! Like so many others have already said, allow me to say I am deeply sorry for your loss. Thank you for your vulnerability. Thank you for sharing and being so honest.

  19. Charissa J. says:

    All I can say is …Wow.
    You don’t know how much God was speaking to me through your words. I have also had a very trying and painful year and have struggled with where was God through all of it. No, it was not as painful as losing a baby and I can’t even pretend to know how that feels. I am so sorry for your loss.
    I have been exactly where you were when you didn’t feel God and I felt totally abandoned and alone. It was truly the hardest time in my life but I know if it wasnt for God I wouldn’t be here. It brought me to one of the lowest places that I have ever been to and I was ready to give up. I thank God that He never let go of me because that’s what saved me. I am not completely out of that place but I am trying to hold tight to God. It has been very hard to give up control of my life and trust God with it but I know He’s the only person for the job. I want this year to be where I start a deep, trusting relationship with God instead of just a once in awhile friendship. I pray that we all can embrace what God has for us and trust He knows best.

    The Casting Crowns song “Already There” came to my mind when I was reading your post.
    “…And all the chaos
    Comes together in Your hands
    Like a masterpiece of Your picture perfect plan.”

  20. Susan says:

    Thanks for the post. I can’t relate to losing a baby so I can only imagine the grief.
    The part that really struck me is: “Have you ever wanted something so much that your thoughts become consumed with it? You hand it over to God and then you find yourself taking it right back? And this is when the fear of God set in.”
    For me, it is the desire to be married. I give it to the Lord and then two days later I find myself taking it back. I question God consciously and sub-consciously about why others get to find their loves but I am still waiting. And that is when the fear of God sets in – What if my purpose is to be single? That’s not what I want but like the Tim Keller quote said, If I knew all that God knew, I would ask for different things.

  21. Rebekah says:

    We are so deeply sorry for your sorrow. But we are rejoicing with you in your victory.

  22. Cynthia says:

    I am so sorry Kelly. I never even realised you were going through such pain… you have made me realise that each one of us is walking a different journey and this whole week I have received the word hold on and not grow weary. This is what I am gonna do and I pray for you both. My aunt lost 5 precious babies and the docs always kept saying she will never go full term but through prayer she now has 2 beautiful children. So don’t give ; )

  23. Kaitlynn says:

    I’m sorry for you and your family! I will keep you in my prayers!

  24. Amber Douglas Vanderslice says:

    Thank you for sharing your grief, your pain, your sorrow and your triumph Kelly! We can never triumph over any situation physically, emotionally or spiritually without laying it at the cross and wrestling with God. You remind me so much of Hannah with what you write here. She prayed earnestly and wept bitterly for a child and when God finally answered her prayer she dedicated her only son to Him and did not raise him in her own home. She sacrificed in faith. What an example to us all! The Lord is bearing so much fruit in you through these trials Kelly. I am 32 weeks pregnant (first pregnancy) with our first child, and I have prayed to the Lord to teach me how to love Him more than my husband and more than this child we are so anticipating. To love Him above all else is to know that His plans for us are because He love US! I can’t understand His ways and never will, but we can rest assured that He loves us more than we will ever love Him in return. I will lift up a prayer for you sister, thank you again for writing this.

  25. Audrey says:

    You are in my prayers because I know how tough it is to have God do one thing when I want something else, and try to believe on top of that that He is not crazy! Thank you so much for sharing this-it is extremely encouraging to me with the things I am facing today…

  26. Katie says:

    Thank you for sharing! It is encouraging to see you use such a devastating experience to bring glory to our God!

  27. This is beautiful. I love your strength and evident steadfast love for the Lord. My mom and I learned that God’s plan isn’t always ours. In fact, it almost never is. Four years ago my mom was behind the wheel of the car that killed my best friend. It was a complete accident but still, life hasn’t been the same since, as you can probably imagine. My friends didn’t exactly turn against me but every time I listened to them mourn that their best friend had died, I ached for my mom. But Through the constant trials, we have come to learn that God allows tragedy in the lives of those who will never leave his side. He molds us the most in the midst of troubles and sadness. We’re the most vulnerable and even if we don’t go running to God right away, we always do in the end. I’m loving your blog and I truly admire you and your husband. I hope I get to meet you both one day.

  28. tina says:

    I am truly sorry for the losses you have endured. You have chosen well and I will prayerfully support you and yours.

  29. Becky says:

    Wow, I needed this! My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for almost two years now. We have been pregnant twice and have lost both babies. I’ve had two miscarriages in the past year and it has been devastating. Friends and family have been supportive but I needed to read the words of someone who has felt what I’ve felt.

    Thank you for sharing your heart.

    • clarissa says:

      Its different when it comes from someone that you know has gone through the same situation. Your family can only comfort you so much. Am i right?

  30. Liza Kittle says:

    Oh, Kelly…I’m so sorry for your loss and will pray for you and Mike. It is so hard to see God in our disappointments….it stretches out faith and if we do EMBRACE Him…we will find peace in His arms…although it is sooo hard. Bill and I suffered a miscarriage and I remember our pain…and then it was 3 long years before we successfully had our 2nd child. And then we were blessed with 2 more.

    I know now that God was not finished restoring my troubled marriage before we were ready….the walk of faith is so hard as we learn through the years…and when finally we see the face of Jesus, we will understand completely.

    Love and blessings to you.
    Liza Kittle

  31. Winter says:

    I am so sorry you have had to experience this Kelly (& Mike). I have never been through it myself so I won’t pretend to know what to say, but I will pass along a testimony from an elderly couple at my church who did go through it. The husband said he had a near death experience & during this experience he looked down at the foot of his bed & there sat 2 of the most beautiful little girls smiling at him. He said he knew at that very moment those were his 2 daughters that his wife had lost during pregnancy. An immediate calm took over & he said he felt it was God’s way of showing him he will meet them one day, but it wasn’t his time just yet. I also know you have read the book Heaven Is For Real by now, and the little boy in the book says he also met his sibling. You will meet those precious babies one day, and until then do not give up! If it’s meant to be, it will be! Hugs girl!

  32. Jess says:

    I love you Kel and I’m so amazed to see how God is teaching us such similar lessons yet in completely different ways. Its like He knows exactly how we need to be led. I’m so grateful for how He loves.

  33. Misty Jimenez says:

    My husband and I lost our daughter 5 months ago, today. I was 22 weeks pregnant. You’re saying everything I’m thinking. Today hit me like a ton of bricks. I never thought I’d have to face this. Time goes by, and people forget. Yet, my husband and I feel like it was yesterday. I’m terrified to try again. How do you deal? I couldn’t imagine two of my precious children. Madeline was our first. It’s terrifying to say “I trust you”

  34. Reblogged this on The Phillips File and commented:
    What an inspirational message! For those who are hurting from loss, this may be able to give you some perspective. I think we all need to learn how to embrace God’s call and his ever present comfort, though we may not understand our to be that at this time.

  35. Cc says:

    Im sorry for you and Mikes loss bt yr words are encouraging thanks kelly

  36. DDEsq says:

    Four of my close friends have each had 3 miscarriages within the last 2 years. Several of my clients have had the same journey.

    As a therapist whom has never had that experience, I often struggle to know what to say. I spend a lot of my time trying to find something wise and comforting to say, but that isn’t cliche.

    You’ve reminded me that He is the keeper of true peace, and the best thing I can do is remind people of that. I can stand in solidarity and support of my hurting brothers and sisters, but our Savior is the Comforter, and there is no pain He has not known. I’m grateful that He’s called me to be a servant to help his children heal.

    I’m grateful He’s called you to share things on your heart that help us progress, and that you’ve answered the call.

  37. Sharon Stockton says:

    My friend miscarried several babies. She found out she has Celiac Disease and that is one of the things that happens sometimes. Probably wouldn’t hurt to be checked for that just in case. Love the sweet hearts you and your husband have for the Lord and others.

  38. Not sure if I’ll post anything more than what other people have already said, but my mom went through 3 miscarriages in her life. One right after having me (the oldest) and two in a row after she had my youngest sister. The last one though, was different. She miscarried at 5 months and actually birthed the baby.

    I got to see with my own eyes my little brother; his tiny hands, his feet, and the characters that made him a perfectly-made baby boy. Except for one thing: he wasn’t breathing.

    We buried Manasseh Levi (my brother) in the same cemetery that my grandparents are buried. My dad, me and my brothers dug his grave. It’s something I’ll never forget as long as I live.

    It’s been almost seven years now, but I’ll visit his grave every now and then. I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have another brother. I have 4 younger siblings living at home, but sometimes I look around the room (like when you’re checking to see if every one of your family members is at the dinner table, living room etc) and get the feeling that someone is missing. Then I realize, it’s because there is, and I think of my brother.

    I’m not a mother, so I can’t understand the exact kind of pain you’re going through, but I have been a part of a miscarriage; and like you: I can’t wait to see him alive and well in the new heaven and earth. If I learned anything from my brother: life begins before conception; There is no longer any doubt in my mind about that. ~ Kyle (Jeremiah 1:5)

  39. clarissa says:

    Reading this has helped me a lot, just a week ago i miscarried my second baby. My first miscarriage was only 7 months before.its been so hard for me bc like u said i feel so left out by god. I feel like its a punishment for my past, but i keep reminding myself hes only trying to make us stronger. Thank you so much for your words.

  40. paula says:

    The local Christian radio station, KSBJ Houston, shared about your hurt and loss today. They encouraged prayer for you and Mike. Also, it encouraged listeners to view your blog, Kelly
    ,where you had shared your story to inspire all who suffer and are hurting. It was rather amazing to hear about this on the radio, and to hear the station pray and ask for God’s strength for you both. It made you guys “so real” to the rest of us. It also made us feel close to you and feel you more. .How rare to hear about a band member and their wife’s pain and sorrow….. to have it open to the world, to see and hear. To be a part of the journey of the Christian life on this earth with you both,,,. How blessed God must feel from this brave act of courage to share your life with us. This is how it should be. I was very touched by your honesty ,humility and vulnerability to share your pain and suffering and your struggle basically with the world.

    Honestly, I see this as ” the good” already coming from an incredible painful loss. This is where the “healing begins”…. 🙂 Sharing ,with others the good ,bad and ugly in our lives. Humility before God and each other. The honest truth, not sugar coated. Straight from the heart to ours.

    My daughter, 20, introduced me to Tenth Avenue North, about a year and a half ago. I absolutely LOVE your music. I constantly play your DVD’s over and over again. I am so inspired by the groups strong ability to get to the heart of the matter and be soooo REAL and genuine. I never tire from them. I love Mike’s incredible understanding of the word. I love how he shares between the songs….WOW!!

    Last but not least, miscarriage is a sensitive subject for me. I have had 3 in my life. I was equally devastated by all of them. My first, was after I had 1 daughter. She was 9 months old, when I found out I was pregnant. I was elated. I went in for my 3 month ultrasound (this was a long time ago) and the Dr. turned the machine off and said we have a problem, the baby has died…..I was devastated and felt no one could ever understand my pain. I felt at the time I was the only one that had ever had a miscarriage…..well, after grieving and crying out to God ,a year and a half later, I gave birth to a beautiful boy. God is sooo good. A year later, I tried for another one. I kept hearing..you have one of each , be happy with what you have. No, I knew in God’s time, not mine, there would be more. I had such a strong desire to have another baby. I felt God placed the idea of 3 children in my heart and I wasn’t going to give up that easy. Another miscarriage….A year later, I was pregnant again. Afraid it would happen again. I had to let go and TRUST God with my anxiety. No the next time, it was God’ s time…His perfect time… I had the desire to have 3 children, I just had to wait on Him for the 3 perfect kids, He designed for me to have..It was a journey indeed. I grew stronger and learned to ‘wait on the Lord” , even when it doesn’t make sense.

    I feel so blessed now to have the 3 children God wanted for me to have in this journey on this earth. I don’t grieve or mourn for the 3 that I know I will meet in heaven someday…..a delayed gift to look forward to. 🙂 I surrendered to the fact that God knows best….I have total peace and acceptance of His divine intervention. The children we are so blessed to have are a gift to us. However, they are His children, I have to give them to God everyday and ask for His will to be done. I have them only a little while and then they grow up and I have to be able to let them go,,,and pray that God lead them and direct them. God is good and all the pain and suffering will begin to diminish as you see His perfect plan unfold in His time. Remember….we have to trust Him, because we have to be able to ‘let them go’ eventually.

    Love and deepest prayers……I know, in time, it will just be a sad memory. God is preparing you for something BIG!!!!!!!


  41. i reblogged this on my blog “After God’s Own Heart”. Follow me! http://julietroberto.wordpress.com/

  42. Reblogged this on katieislivingforjesus and commented:
    “Number one- God is ALWAYS near even when we may not feel Him.”

    “Number two- “God always gives you what you would have asked for if you knew everything that He knows.”- Tim Keller”

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