January 15, 2013 by A Girl Like Me
I have learned something about myself over the last few months. I fear God. Not in the “awe fearing reverent” type.. but in the ” I may not like what you do with my life” type. God is huge right? And He has the power to do whatever He wills. That can be comforting and yet terrifying depending on how you look at it. There is a part of me that has become terrified.
This revelation was brought to a head when I found out in October that I was pregnant. I was ecstatic. Mike and I had been trying for a few months and I was relieved and extremely happy when that little white stick had two lines instead of one. I wanted another baby so badly that my heart ached at just the thought of it. Have you ever wanted something so much that your thoughts become consumed with it? You hand it over to God and then you find yourself taking it right back? And this is when the fear of God set in. You see, I had lost my first baby. I was 12 weeks pregnant when my body naturally went into labor to let go of the lifeless body inside me. It was devastating and painful. However, through it all, I felt the hand of God upon me. I felt peace amongst the chaos that was taking place inside of me. I felt Him near me and somehow knew everything was going to be ok. So here I was pregnant with my third child and panic set in. God could take this baby too. God could take the very thing that I wanted so badly away from me. I began to pray. I began to beg. I began to claim His word and believe His promises.
So what happens when you do everything right and yet God still chooses to break you? I prayed in faith! I prayed scripture! Yet there I was right after Thanksgiving with the joy of the Holidays spreading all around and I was left in a pool of tears. A second baby lost. A second child taken Home to be with Jesus. And another time when my prayers were not answered the way I wanted them to be. Two miscarriages. Two children that I will have to wait to meet. So why am I letting you in to this personal experience? Because God taught me a few things through this loss… and I believe He wants to teach you them as well.
Number one- God is ALWAYS near even when we may not feel Him. While in the midst of this second miscarriage I didn’t really feel God. I didn’t feel His peace. Scripture wasn’t comforting. I felt like my prayers were just floating into space and I was all alone. I couldn’t understand it. Why would God feel so near in one moment and so distant in another? Then someone spoke some truth into my fragile heart. What if God was strengthening my faith? What If He made Himself so visible and clear the first time I went through this struggle, that He brought me to a place of extreme trust in Him despite my feelings the second time? As if He was asking, ” Do you still believe that I am near? Do you still believe that I am holding the broken pieces of your heart just like I did last time? Can you look back and see when I was faithful to you and do you believe that I will remain faithful to you?” “I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you!”- Heb. 13:5 ” The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”- Psalm 34:18 So in the times when you just don’t feel Him remember this- He is with you. Look back at your life and see where He was faithful and remember that He will always be faithful. He loves you too much to not change you and stretch you in your faith. Embrace it.
Number two- “God always gives you what you would have asked for if you knew everything that He knows.”- Tim Keller If we saw the whole picture of this life we live, we would ask God for the very things He has chosen to give us. Crazy right? I have countless prayers scribbled on the pages of my journal claiming God’s promises. Prayers asking in faith to save my baby. Prayers of hope and trust that God will hear my cry and give me what I want. But His will was not my will this time. It could be so easy to just get mad at God and write Him off. To stop trusting Him, to stop believing that He is good and to say- forget it! I give up on you God. I’m done believing you really love me. I would be lying if I didn’t say that there were moments where I wanted to do that. But God kept ahold of me even when I wanted to let go. And His voice came to me in the book of Job- ” Kelly- Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements- surely you know! Or who stretched the line upon it?….Or who laid its cornerstone, when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for Joy?… Have you commanded the morning since your days began, and caused the dawn to know its place?” Who am I to question God? The stars sing praises to His name and declare His power you guys!! The days speak to each other and the nights proclaim His awesomeness and might! Maybe the problems we face are just pointing us to a glimpse of this beautiful power… the same power that chose to save us when we deserved hell and the same power that can remove our fear and give us peace.
This past year I endured a lot of pain and trial. But what if I had chosen to embrace the will of God instead of merely enduring it? More joy? More peace? More love?
That’s my word this year… EMBRACE. I choose to embrace whatever it is that God sends my way. In the times when there is extreme joy and dancing, and in the times where there is hurt and confusion! I embrace because I believe that God is good, and He will give me the very things that will strengthen my faith and bring me to a more humble place where joy and peace reside. I choose to depend on Him to remove my fear and give me gratitude. I choose to Embrace His will that it may be mine. And one day I will embrace my two beautiful children in heaven… and fall into the embrace of the One who loves me the most.